First of all, you are an amazing brave and strong woman. No matter what happened in your birth. But let’s talk about what birth trauma is.
Birth trauma is a word that is often used, but many women wonder if their birth was “bad enough” to be considered traumatic. Birth Trauma is defined as distress experienced by a mother during or after childbirth. While traumacan be physical, it is often emotional and psychological. Birth trauma is not just about what happened during labor and the birth. It can also refer to how you, as the mother, are left feeling afterwards. Birth can be beautiful and it can be complicated. No matter what you experienced, if you continue to have vivid disturbing images of your birth (no matter how small or big) you may be suffering from birth trauma. Did you know it is estimated that 1 in 3 women will experience birth trauma?
Birth Trauma can include:
(but not limited to this list)
Having things done to your body that you did not want
Pressure to agree to a procedure
Cord being wrapped around baby’s neck
Not having an epidural take effect
Tearing and other physical complications
Retained placenta and/or placenta hemorrhage
High blood pressure
Baby’s heart rate dropping
Need for oxygen or life saving measures
High stress in the delivery
You are not to blame
and you should feel no shame in how you feel. Many women struggle when their birth plan did not go as planned, when they had to have a c-section or have more medical intervention than desired. Most of the time the end result is good and a healthy baby is born. However, this does not mean that you were ok with how the birth happened. It is ok to feel regret or anger or fear when you think about your birth, and especially if it was difficult, traumatic, or scary.
You may be triggered by a sound, smell, taste or experience that takes you right back to your birth. Your body stores these experiences and you may have a flash back to the room or a person.
Healing From Birth Trauma
Therapy is the one of the best ways to heal from birth trauma. Having a therapist who is trained as a Perinatal Mental Health Therapist is vital to you making the most progress in healing from your traumatic birth. You can ask your doctor, friend, midwife or doula for a referral or go to https://www.postpartum.net for a list of trained providers in your area. You will be able to tell your story and learn ways to cope and process your experience so you can heal.
EMDR is also an amazing therapy to help with birth trauma. I have seen many women process their traumatic birth and go on to hold the good parts of their birth and not feel afraid of giving birth again. I have seen anxiety decrease significantly and the triggers disappear. What a relief! For more information about EMDR and how it can help, you can visit my EMDR page on my website. https://thenestfamilytherapy.com/emdr-therapy-orange-county/
I feel privileged and honored to hear women’s stories and help them to heal. My biggest desire is for you to live free from the trauma of your birth and feel whole and well again and to be able to be the best mom to your baby and family.
If you are anything like me, you are wondering how long this social distancing is going to last. Being stuck at home with kids who are sad and angry that they cannot go to school, play at the park or with friends is starting to take its toll. This is hard! And being a mom during this time is really hard! Especially if you have young kids who don’t understand what is happening and ask a lot of questions about why they can’t do their favorite activities. I thought I would compile a few ideas on how to make sure you are not being too hard on yourself as a mom during this time.
If you enjoy social media and scrolling through instagram or facebook, that is fine. But if you are finding that it is making you feel like you are not being a very good mom, then limit your exposure. You are doing your best! Let your best be good enough!
Look for one thing that went well during the day and focus on that. Focus on what you can control in your daily life. Exercise, eating well, treating yourself to something you enjoy, and washing your hands. Don’t focus on how much screen time you let your kids have, how you lost your cool during home schooling (which you probably did not choose to do), how you did not spend enough time with your kids doing fun activities. Let yourself be ok with one thing that went well. If more went well, then celebrate that! It is all about the small things right now!
2. Strive for “Good Enough” Not Perfect.
You need to remember you are entertaining toddlers and kids, trying to stay indoors and keep them occupied. You are home schooling and trying to juggle several kids most likely. What can you let go of? Don’t feel like you need your child to finish all the work that was assigned. Your relationship with your kids is the most important thing right now! Strive to get through this with your kids knowing they were loved and had more time with you, even if it was not always ideal. Let your kids watch educational TV instead of doing the worksheet. If you are overwhelmed with helping them get all their work done, let it go. Your kids will remember how they felt during this time, not what they learned. They can catch up when life is in a more normal rhythm.
3. Be Gentle With Yourself.
If you are feeling like a failure or having negative thoughts about yourself, let them go. Recognize them and then let them float away on a cloud. They are not helpful right now. Accept the fact that you are parenting during a very traumatic time that is affecting everyone in your family and community, including you. Re-frame the negative thought of “I’m a failure” (or fill in the blank) to “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.” This will help you to let it go and not let it define you. Try changing your negative thought to “I’m doing the best I can right now.” Or “I’m doing pretty darn well right now.” There is a lot less support right now – no babysitters for a break, no school to drop them off at and no ability to do many fun activities and see friends. It can feel very lonely and isolating. This is hard!
My reminder to you today is that this will end at some point. We need to focus on keeping ourselves and our families healthy and safe. We will get back to a new normal but right now there are some ways to get through this.
Try to find a few times a day where you feel joy. Whatever that may be. For me, it has been cooking or baking for my family and trying new recipes. I also try to get outside daily if the weather permits. Breathe deep from your belly and try to relax your body. Go for walks and smell the spring air, flowers and hear the birds. Be mindful of the here and now and be grateful for this time to slow down even though it comes with stress, anxiety and some fear. You are not alone.
3 Tips For Helping Your Family Prepare For Baby #2.
If you are anything like me, you may be thinking that that since you survived with your first baby, you are experienced and can repeat the process. I hate to break it to you, but many parents find that their second baby is often different from their first and what worked with their first does not work with their second. 🙂
Sometimes your first baby is easy going and you do not experience much of an adjustment to parenthood. However, with your second or third it may not be the same experience. Each baby comes with such different temperaments and personality that it is important to be flexible in your thoughts about how the adjustment will go.
For this reason, I have some tips for you as you prepare for baby #2 (or more!)
Prepare for Support and Help just like you (hopefully) did for your first.
Now that you are becoming a family of 4 or more, not only does the baby need to be taken care of, but so does the toddler or older child. Most people forget that mom needs to be taken care of too during this postpartum period. The expectation that moms just jump back in to their regular duties is not realistic. Moms often do jump back in because that is what moms do, but you need to express your need for help.
Help may come in the form of your toddler going to child care, having a babysitter come help, a night nurse or postpartum doula. It may be you need someone to help with housework and meal prep. You may need to ask friends, family and others around you for extra help even if it is hard. You do not have to do all the things just because you think you can.
A common struggle for moms is wanting to control how things are done and that will leave you feeling like you should just do it yourself. Communicate with your partner about what will help you as you both adjust to another baby. Let some things go so you can recover and focus on yourself and baby.
Ask a friend to come hold your baby for an hour while you spend time your older child. Friends love to hold and snuggle new babies! It is a learning curve balancing two young kids so give yourself grace and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Connect With Your Older Child
There is a good chance your toddler or older child will show his/her feelings about a new arrival through their behavior.
Your older child may have been excited at first to be a big brother or sister but once the baby starts taking over their house, parents time, etc they often start to show how they feel about this. If you can spend 10 minutes a day playing with your child on the floor and following their lead, that will help your child to feel more connected to you and feel more valued and loved.
During this special play time, make sure to not ask questions, teach or direct. This is a time for you to play whatever your child wants to play and to just join him/her. There is no pressure – the focus is to build your relationship with your child by showing you are interested in whatever they want to do. You will be amazed at how much you can learn about your child if you sit and watch and wonder about what your child is thinking and feeling in their play.
Find time to connect with your partner.
Make sure to make time for each other even when you are exhausted.
When a new baby comes into a family, this is typically a very chaotic and challenging time for everyone. Creating time together can be as simple as watching a 30 minute show together after your kids (hopefully!) go to bed. Or taking time to eat dinner together after feeding the littles.
According to the Gottman’s (marriage researchers and experts) they say that “as the couple’s relationship is changing, conflict often increases and communication between partners decreases and becomes stressful.” It is easy to become more moody and short with your partner when you are not getting enough sleep and time for self care. It is important to communicate without being critical and try to avoid the “you always” or “you never” statements that can trigger a fight or argument.
It is not easy adjusting to another new baby in the home but remember the sleepless nights don’t last forever.
Remember you are surviving and adjusting to your new family of 4! If you are experiencing more sadness and anxiety than usual, talk to your doctor or a mental health therapist that specializes in postpartum women and adjustment issues.
Are you a mom who is struggling with getting your child out the door in the morning? Does your child protest when its time to transition from one activity to another? Or maybe your child has a meltdown at school when its time to leave you and they beg you to stay and walk with them in to the classroom each morning.
Each child is different but in my 20+ years of working with kids and families, I have learned to identify what might be going on underneath the challenging behavior.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE A SENSITIVE/ANXIOUS CHILD?
Your child has a hard time going to sleep at night
Refuses to sleep in his/her own room or bed
Asks a lot of “what if” questions
Tends to ruminate or get stuck on certain thoughts
Struggles with transitions
Throws a tantrum when an activity has to end
Refuses to put on shoes, cooperate to leave
Needs you to stand in line with them at school
Becomes angry / tantrums over small changes
Struggles with taking turns
Sensitive to foods / picky eater
Expresses distress when you leave
Perfectionist/has to erase and re-do a lot of work
Procrastinates to get work done
Avoids things that he/she does not like
Easily overwhelmed with noise, big classrooms
Worries about making mistakes, others being upset with him/her
If you recognize some of the above behaviors then read on for a few tips to help your child!
Kids who are more sensitive or anxious often show us through their behavior that they do not like change. The beginning and end of the school year, after winter and spring breaks, and other changes in the school year can upset children who are more sensitive and anxious.
They often struggle with flexibility and thrive on routine and predictability. So how do you help your child be more flexible and adapt to change?
1: BE CURIOUS
Try to identify what the fear is for your child and what may be triggering them. For instance, if your child is afraid to stand in line at school without you, then ask him/her what is worrying them. Are they nervous that other kids might say something to them that they don’t like? Are they shy? Are they overwhelmed with being close to others and don’t like to line up? Are they sad about you leaving you and missing you for the day?
Your child is telling you through their behavior that they don’t like to be separated from you. As a mom, you may also struggle with being away from your child during the day. It is important to tell your child that they are safe at school with their teacher, that they are loved and you will be reunited again soon. They may need more reassurance at the beginning of the year with the transition but instill confidence in them that they will enjoy school and you will think about them.
If your child is younger, read “The Invisible String” or “The Kissing Hand” with your child and remind them that you will always pick them up or be home with them in the evening.
2: DON’T AVOID THE TRIGGER OR FEAR
Kids will do everything in their power to avoid having the “yucky” feeling when they are nervous, anxious or sensitive. As parents (and moms especially) it is easy to help Your child avoid certain situations, make excuses for Your child or allow them to call the shots. However, avoidance only makes the situation worse and kids don’t learn that they can actually push through the situation that is triggering them.
If we allow kids to keep avoiding what causes them to be anxious, then eventually they have larger things to be afraid of, places they won’t go, foods they won’t eat. As a mom, it is easy to accommodate your child because you don’t want them to experience distress, however, it is important to identify your own thoughts and feelings around this as your child’s behavior may be triggering some anxiety and fear in you as well.
3: TEACH YOUR CHILD “SMART TALK”
One of the things I do with kids in a play therapy session is to identify what thoughts they are having when they are nervous in certain situations. Then we talk about how those thoughts affect their feelings and how those feelings affect their behaviors.
Work with your child to identify what anxious/nervous thoughts they are having. This may be related to school, friends, sports or difficult transitions. Is your child thinking of the worst-case scenario? Does your child think other kids are thinking negative things about them? When you identify what thoughts they are having, help them to identify how that makes them feel. You may have to help with this process but it is very valuable to help your child start to recognize that their thoughts may be making them feel anxious, upset or nervous about a situation.
Present a different possible outcome and help them to use “smart talk” to look at what positives may come from the situation.
4: DONT GIVE IN TO YOUR CHILDS ANXIOUS DEMANDS
Johnny is afraid to go into the classroom alone and wants mom to stay with him until he is feeling calm. He controls where mom stands, tells her to hold his hand, walk him to his desk, look through the window and wave three times, etc. It is very easy to give in to these demands to help your child settle, but it usually ends up making the situation worse.
Work on a regular goodbye routine that is short and sweet. Practice this at home and remind him that you will be back. Sometimes this is helpful to practice with a favorite stuffed animal or toy to help your child have control over the practice.
5: GIVE YOURSELF GRACE
Parenting a sensitive child or a child with fears/anxiety can be very challenging. As a parent, you may recognize some of the same things you struggle with or struggled with as a kid. You want to help your child and not see them suffer, but it is also important to hold boundaries with your child and help them to manage their feelings. Don’t be hard on yourself if you feel like maybe you “caused” this or maybe you did something to contribute to your child’s anxiety.
Most of the time there is a genetic factor, however, temperament and personality are big players in how a child develops. If you recognize that your own anxiety is a contributing factor, then I recommend seeking help to help you manage your own anxiety that in turn will help your child. Call me today to talk about how I can help with the challenges of parenting a sensitive and/or anxious child. I promise you will feel better as we work together on strategies to help you and your child feel better.